The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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