Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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