So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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