Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
