I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So. Much. Porn.
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