omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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