My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
How does one acquire holy water?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
