Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
