I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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