is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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