I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
