Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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