I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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