I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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