We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
