Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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