I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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