If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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