maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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