I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
