When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
