Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
