When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
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