I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
time to smoke my breakfast
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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