listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
