Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
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She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
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The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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