I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
