I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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