Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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