I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
