I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
