my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
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Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
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you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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