I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
