the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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