Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Will exercising make me less horny?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
