you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
