i already hear my dad disowning me
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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