I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize