Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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