What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
