You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
