Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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