i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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