dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
