I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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