Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
