Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
