Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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