My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
