My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
