The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
someone owes me an orgasm
my shit smells like andre
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
