Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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