we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
