i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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